Your best/favorite Iowa joke

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An Iowan and his wife were trying to spice up their love life. They'd tried about everything, but nothing worked, and the sex was always bad for her.

One night, after particularly bad sex, she tells her husband that she remembers growing up on the farm as a kid, they used to wave a towel on the cows when they needed to get them in heat. They decide to give that a try. So the guy coerces the farmhand into waving a towel on him and his wife while they have sex. The farmhand does it, but it's same old same old for her.

So the wife gets a new idea--why don't her husband and the farmhand switch places, just to see how it goes. So they do that, with the farmhand and wife getting it on while the husband waves the towel. And the sex is just amazing for her.

While his wife and the farmhand are sitting there sweating and panting, the Iowan is beaming with pride. He says, "See there, ya city slicker, that's how you wave a towel."
 


A guy from Iowa won a prize sheep at the Iowa State Fair.

The auctioneer said... You win, pick your prize.

The winner said..."I'll take ewe and ewe and ewe.'
 

What is the difference between yogurt and Iowa?

Yogurt has more active cultures.

....and there is my first post.
 

An Iowa Farmer walks into his house from the barn carrying a sheep in his arms. He mutters, "So this is the Pig I've been screwing". His wife who is sitting on the couch says, "That's not a pig, it' a sheep!". Iowa farmer shouts "I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU!!".
 



holereader said:
how many Iowans does it take to go to the bathroom??
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That is probably the winner. But just for fun, here are a few more from a friend:

What is the difference between a catfish and an Iowa cheerleader? One has whiskers and smells bad and the other is a catfish.

Why do Iowa graduates put their degree on the windshield? So they can use handicap parking.
 

We should be careful. These border state rivalries get pretty intense. People can take these jokes pretty hard. One year an Iowa farmer got so fed up that he threw a stick of dynamite at his Minnesota neighbors' farm. The Minnesota farmer lit it and threw it back.
 

Q- Why wasn't Jesus born in Iowa?

A- They couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.
 



An Iowegian takes a trip up to Minnesota in his coveralls and a $20 bill and doesn't change either one.
 

Did you hear about the Cessna that crashed into the cemetery?

So far, authorities have recovered over 200 bodies.
 

What's yellow, black, bubbly, and scratches at the window?







A Hawkeye in a microwave
 





jaymil said:
Just read through the entire thread. This wins. No joke in the world can beat this, you can't make it up.
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Not only that, a Hawkey fan would be asked to spell Iowa, he would go: I O W A e i e i o.
 

This isn't exactly a joke but this post on Hawkeye Report sure made me laugh:

HoundedHawk said:
I've been to both Iowa games at Minny's new stadium. It's not that hostile. Yes, there is the hate Iowa chant, but so what? There was even an Iowa graduate scanning tickets and quietly told me, "Go Hawks."

The biggest problem Iowa has had at TCF is Iowa.
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An Iowa grad employed as a ticket scanner? Sounds about right.

http://iowa.rivals.com/showmsg.asp?fid=804&tid=166953214&mid=166953214&sid=940&style=2
 

What do you call a grown man who plays with light-sabers, writes Harry Potter fiction, and stalks minors on Twitter?
 

Jeshurun said:
What do you call a grown man who plays with light-sabers, writes Harry Potter fiction, and stalks minors on Twitter?
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Mentally unstable and a danger to society as a whole. And I'm not trying to be funny. That guy is gonna seriously lose it one day.
 

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What do you call an Iowan with a sheep under each arm?



A pimp
 



This actually happened! Those Iowans have arrived in Minneapolis.

Authorities round up 2 pigs on the loose in north Minneapolis

September 27, 2013

Curated by Liz O'Connell

In the second incidence of farm animals on the loose this week, authorities corralled two pigs wandering through a north Minneapolis neighborhood Friday morning.

The Star Tribune reports a sow and a boar, both roughly three to four months old, that got loose from an unknown location were spotted in the 2300 block of Emerson Avenue N. around 8 a.m., according to police.

A police officer and an animal control agent were able to round up the pigs and take them to the “pokey,” the newspaper reports.

On Wednesday, a 1,600-pound bull was reported weaving through morning rush hour traffic in Washington County.

The Pioneer Press reported the bull was being transported to a market from a farm in West Lakeland Township when it broke through the gate of its trailer the night before.

A few minor accidents were reported by drivers trying to avoid colliding with the animal. Washington County authorities shot and killed the bull after tranquilizers were unsuccessful in slowing it down.
 

You know you're from Iowa when 3rd grade is the best 5 years of your life.
 

What has more teeth than the average Iowa woman?

A pumpkin on Halloween.
 

A young hot-shot iowa attorney decided to try some pheasant hunting along the iowa/Minnesota boarder. After missing several shots, he finally winged one which fell across the fence line into an old Minnesota farmer's field. The attorney jumped the fence and caught the bird just as the farmer came around the corner of the corn field.

The old man hobbled over and asked "why are you trespassing on my property?"

The attorney responded that he was just retrieving his pheasant.

The farmer said "no, that's my bird now, but I'll challenge you to a battle of strength for it."

The attorney looked at the old man, bent over from arthritis and responded "absolutely, name the game."

"I get three hits, where ever/ however I want and you have to stand there and take it. When I'm done with my three, you get to take three shots at me. We keep exchanging blows, three at a time until one of us gives up. Last man standing gets the bird."

The attorney sized up the old man again, pretty sure he could withstand the first three hits, but he knew it would only take one hit to finish the old guy....."sure", said the attorney, "I'm in."

The old man walks up, cocks back and lands a right hook square on the attorney's nose; the young man bent over in pain, blood dripping from his face. The farmer then planted a knee in the same spot while the attorney was bent over, breaking his nose.

" I can handle one more, then I'll destroy this old man," thought the Iowan.

To the attorney's surprise, the farmer took a step and planted his steel toe right in the attorney's, crotch. The attorney fell, writhing in pain. After a minute, the young man gathered his strength, rose and prepared to take his shots.

He grabbed the farmer with his left hand and cocked back his right hand, expecting to finish the old farmer with one blow!

Just as the attorney was about to let it fly, the old farmer spoke up: "I give up, you win....now take your bird and get the hell off my property."
 

A blind rabbit and a blind snake are meandering through the woods when they bumped into each other. They both apologize, but before moving along, the blind rabbit says - "Hey, I'm blind and was abandoned at birth so I don't know what kind of creature I am. Can you help me out?" The snake says sure, and coils himself around the rabbit and tells him - "You're soft and fluffy, with long ears, soft whiskers, and a little cotton tail". So the rabbit declares "Hey! I'm a rabbit". The snake asks the rabbit to return the favor, so the rabbit checks out the snake and tells him - "Well, you're kind of slimy, scaly, have beady eyes, and a forked tongue". And the snake proudly declares - "Hey! I'm an Iowa Hawkeye coach!".
 

How do you get an Iowa cheerleader into your dorm room?

Grease her hips and push like hell.
 

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