Daily Humor

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Unregistered User said:
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Seven inches.
 


I went to Qwik Trip for coffee this morning. I asked the clerk how old the coffee was. She replied, "I don't know, I've only worked here for two weeks."
 

What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 



John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
Life, between the legs of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of
The night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside
me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's
only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".
 


What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
Sexual harassment.

What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
$3.99 a minute.
 

<img src="http://thechive.files.wordpress.com/2014/04/motivate-pics-3.jpg" />
 



<img src="http://thechive.files.wordpress.com/2014/04/dar-late-3.jpg" />
 


Just before my 8th birthday, my Mom asked what I wanted for a birthday gift. I said "I wanna watch". So they let me.
 




You know you're redneck when this is how you do the bouquet throw:

yO5cnV3.gif
 

When I was a young boy growing up, we were so poor that my mom would cut holes in our pants pockets so we would have something to play with.
 

Beej came home from work early. His wife met him at the door dressed in sexy lingerie, holding some rope. With a twinkle in her eyes, she said to him, "Tie me up and do anything you want." So he tied her to the bed post and went golfing.
 


Bad seating choice for elderly visitors:

<img src="http://i.imgur.com/6qyFf9l.jpg" width="50%" height="50%">
 

UU, it appears that you and I are the only people here with a sense of humor. No wonder the Game Threads have so much bellyaching on them. Right?
 


What about us old chubby guys, stocker. The girl of my dreams just tells me I am all wet.
 



The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman behind him was furious and began honking her horn and screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup as she
made obscene gestures at the man in front of her.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer
was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm sorry for this mistake, Ma’am. You see, as I pulled up behind your car you were honking your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the “What Would Jesus Do” bumper sticker, the “Choose Life”' license plate holder, the ��Follow Me to Sunday-School” bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk,
so naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."
 

At breakfast, the husband says to his wife "What would you do if I won the Lotto?"

"I'd take half and leave you" she says.

"Great" he says. "Here $6. I won $12 yesterday! Stay in touch".
 

Hey all, see station19's thread on a kid selling Elk River High School!!!
 


From the Late Show's Wahoo Gazette:

Dave is setting up a joke about a guy in Tennessee who was arrested for having sex with an ATM machine. In the guy's defense, where does it say you can't? Dave says police believe alcohol may be involved. Dave adds, "Having sex with a cash machine . . . isn't that what Donald Sterling's girlfriend has been doing?"

What's this? It's Paul. He apologizes ahead of time. He says he's never done this before but he wants to relay something just said to him by his trombonist, Tom "Bones" Malone, regarding the guy who had sex with the ATM. Paul: "Tom says, 'He came into some money.'"
 

Kenny Wilson, on his deathbed, knowing the end is near, is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and his 2 sons.


So, he says to them:


"Bubba, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."


"Peggy Sue, you take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."


"Henry, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."


"Sally, my dearest wife, please take all of the residential buildings downtown."


The nurse is completely blown away by all this, and as Kenny slips away, she says,


"Mrs. Wilson, your husband must have been a very hardworking man to have accumulated all of this property".


Sally replies,


"What property?

The asshole has a paper route!"
 

WW2 pilot lectured at a college History of of World War 2 class:

"As we flew, there were Fockers to the left of us, Fockers to the right..."

At which point the prof jumped in andexplained that Fockers were a German fighter plane.

The guest corrected him, as he then said, "No, these Fockers were Messerschmidts."
 

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