You all really know the answer and it isn't "Just Win." I've been following Gopher Hole for many years and those who are thoughtful enough to seek a long-term solution know that it is to make Gopher Football be An Event, one that one attends whether you win or lose. Agreed, some low level amount of initial winning may be required to get the event in place, but depending on winning means attendance will fluctuate wildly.
What Minnesota needs - and I have no idea if you can get it - is for the Athletic Department AND THE UNIVERSITY - to admit that football is important to the University image and financial viability. Things changed at UW when Shalala convince at least some academics that football could bring in non-football $. Whether you can prove this absolutely or only on a trend basis is something I don't know.
If you get University buy-in, then changes to tailgating, seating, parking, etc. become open for discussion. Minnesota has many advantages (it it my favorite away game), but the University needs to take steps to acknowledge that sports are important, but not dominating.
I feel your pain.