I’ve been independently contracted by this site to write a summary of my various disciplinary techniques, at the price of several New Edition Bibles and two indentured servants. You see, I am known across the Bible belt as the master of discipline, having to deal with the ragamuffins which serve detention under my guard at an unnamed school (to prevent lawsuits of slander and libel). I see myself as not only the man whose responsibility it is to set these scoundrels on track, but also as somewhat a father figure. A father figure who imposes a sense of morality upon the detainees in my small "Detention Center", as I like to call it, located within the school of my unnamed employer. I employ several methods. Please allow me to elaborate.
1.The least severe of all my punishments is known as the Spider Closet. This is for your run of the mill trouble makers, to just put a little bit of a scare into them. In this procedure, I place the known delinquent into a closet filled with spiders. While this alone may terrify them into submission, there is also a continuous audio feed into the room of a voice yelling "Spiders! Spiders! Spiders!" continuously. The average time to endure this correction of character is five hours, although it has taken longer to crack certain individuals.
2. The Communion Closet. To become a recipient of this method is truly to experience the divine glory of the one true god. One must severely blasphimise the word of god while I am spending my free time highlighting verses in my New Edition Bible to receive this, the most severe of all punishments. Here I take my student in violation to the closet, but instead of spiders, I don a full priest robe and force them to receive Holy Communion! This may not seem like such a ghastly form of punishment, but if the subject truly is a blasphemer, the Holy Ghost comes out and makes them melt. Just like in Indiana Jones and the Search for the Holy Grail!
3. The most brutal, yet the most necessary of all punishments at my disposal is known as the Carbon Monoxide Garage . This is to be use solely for the deprogramming of homosexuals, lest we have another Sodom and Gomorrah at hand! This extreme procedure consists of is chaining a man known to be against the laws of nature to the walls of my garage and force them to have heterosexual intercourse with multiple "ladies of the night". The godly force of carbon monoxide turns their simple minds in the right direction, while the constant barrage of hookers and pornography I subject the male in question to only helps guide the process.
I sincerely hope that this valuable information is able to reach other disciplinarians throughout this information superhighway. All you little blasphemous punks who throw pennies at me in the hallway, shall forever think twice about disobeying the rules.
