Today we bring you a reprise of the much enjoyed Bold and the Gopherhole. The more things change, the more they stay the same. We begin where everything bold and beautiful begins - Gopherhole headquarters.
Bleedgopher sits at his desk, gazing at a framed portrait of a man maturing into his thirties - graying at the temples, distinguished lines in his face.
Bleed: Why? Why did I make that deal? And why did I make it so young? Now only my portrait is aging...
(Gopherlady enters, Bleed fumbles to return the portrait to its hiding place but is not quick enough)
Gopherlady: Hi Bleed! Hey - cool painting! Is that your father?
Bleed: Ah...yeah...my father...right (returns portrait to his bottom desk drawer).
GL: I've been thinking about hiring Reputation.com to try to remove all the jokes I've made on the internet about stalking Izzo and Bill Self.
Bleed: I suppose its because of the fall out from that interview with PA.
Gopherlady: Oh god, don't remind me!
Bleed (mimicking GL's voice): "Your question is, am I obsessed with Bill Self...[long pause]...weeelll, I like Bill Self. A lot." Not Good, GL, Not exactly a strong clear denial.
GL: I knooww. But I do like him. A lot.
Bleed: I knooow!
Oddly enough, our next scene is in David Stern's office. Lionel Hollins is seated across from him sipping coffee.
Sterns: Lionel, I can't thank you enough for the efforts you made in resolving the NBA lockout.
L.Hollins: I just couldn't take it anymore! Watching the college game - I just couldn't take it! When I was out of basketball, I had to watch Austin play high school ball - I hated it but I had to do it. But this week - we were in Disneyland, and I had to watch Mickey Mouse Basketball!
Sterns: Now, Lionel. These young men will eventually be the men you coach. And you must be quite proud of your son.
L.Hollins: Which one? They're so Mickey Mouse they couldn't even get the right player on camera!
Sterns: And so the NBA lockout is resolved...
We now move to to the office of Minnesota Headhunters, where Joel Maturi, considering the possibility that his job could end, has an appointment with job counselor, Amanda.
Amanda: Well Joel, I'm looking over your resume and I'd like to discuss a few items. You have listed under 'strengths', Directing an Athletic Program. Um. That's not a strength, that's your job.
Joel: And I'm good at it!
Amanda: Ah, right. We're looking, however, for objective behaviors you exhibit within your job.
Joel: Well, I feel particularly proud of having alerted the All-Spice tournament staff about parents who were attending.
Amanda: Um, I'm pretty sure that is OLD Spice.
Joel: Whatever.
Amanda: You have listed under weaknesses: 'wardrobe'. I'm afraid I don't get this.
Joel: I don't have a suit that was purchased in this millennium.
Amanda: Well, lets address that...
Our final segment is a rare scene from the personal home of Tubby Smith. Tubby has returned from a long hard week of travel and coaching, and is glad to sit back for quiet evening with his lovely wife Donna.
Tubby: Ah, Donna. It is so good to be home. What a week. Losing the tournament, losing Mbakwe. What else can go wrong?!
Donna: We've been through it all, my dear. We'll survive this one too.
Tubby: I know, but I'm just sick about this for Trevor.
Donna: I know dear. They're all like family to you. By the way, you received a letter from the U athletic department today.
Tubby: Huh, what did it say?
Donna: You know I never read your mail!
Tubby: Of course [take a letter opener and removes an embossed letter from Joel Maturi] WHAT?! I can't believe this!!
Donna: What's the matter dear?
Tubby: It says that to maintain our competitiveness in the Big Ten, my court-side seat is subject to premium pricing next year! Unless I pony up, I'll have to move off the floor to the bench.
Donna: Hmm. Perhaps we haven't seen it all...
Will Lionel Hollins adopt Andre? Will Tubby pay to coach from his traditional space on the floor? Will Maturi update his resume & wardrobe? Stay tuned to further episodes of the Bold and the Gopherhole to find out!
Bleedgopher sits at his desk, gazing at a framed portrait of a man maturing into his thirties - graying at the temples, distinguished lines in his face.
Bleed: Why? Why did I make that deal? And why did I make it so young? Now only my portrait is aging...
(Gopherlady enters, Bleed fumbles to return the portrait to its hiding place but is not quick enough)
Gopherlady: Hi Bleed! Hey - cool painting! Is that your father?
Bleed: Ah...yeah...my father...right (returns portrait to his bottom desk drawer).
GL: I've been thinking about hiring Reputation.com to try to remove all the jokes I've made on the internet about stalking Izzo and Bill Self.
Bleed: I suppose its because of the fall out from that interview with PA.
Gopherlady: Oh god, don't remind me!
Bleed (mimicking GL's voice): "Your question is, am I obsessed with Bill Self...[long pause]...weeelll, I like Bill Self. A lot." Not Good, GL, Not exactly a strong clear denial.
GL: I knooww. But I do like him. A lot.
Bleed: I knooow!
Oddly enough, our next scene is in David Stern's office. Lionel Hollins is seated across from him sipping coffee.
Sterns: Lionel, I can't thank you enough for the efforts you made in resolving the NBA lockout.
L.Hollins: I just couldn't take it anymore! Watching the college game - I just couldn't take it! When I was out of basketball, I had to watch Austin play high school ball - I hated it but I had to do it. But this week - we were in Disneyland, and I had to watch Mickey Mouse Basketball!
Sterns: Now, Lionel. These young men will eventually be the men you coach. And you must be quite proud of your son.
L.Hollins: Which one? They're so Mickey Mouse they couldn't even get the right player on camera!
Sterns: And so the NBA lockout is resolved...
We now move to to the office of Minnesota Headhunters, where Joel Maturi, considering the possibility that his job could end, has an appointment with job counselor, Amanda.
Amanda: Well Joel, I'm looking over your resume and I'd like to discuss a few items. You have listed under 'strengths', Directing an Athletic Program. Um. That's not a strength, that's your job.
Joel: And I'm good at it!
Amanda: Ah, right. We're looking, however, for objective behaviors you exhibit within your job.
Joel: Well, I feel particularly proud of having alerted the All-Spice tournament staff about parents who were attending.
Amanda: Um, I'm pretty sure that is OLD Spice.
Joel: Whatever.
Amanda: You have listed under weaknesses: 'wardrobe'. I'm afraid I don't get this.
Joel: I don't have a suit that was purchased in this millennium.
Amanda: Well, lets address that...
Our final segment is a rare scene from the personal home of Tubby Smith. Tubby has returned from a long hard week of travel and coaching, and is glad to sit back for quiet evening with his lovely wife Donna.
Tubby: Ah, Donna. It is so good to be home. What a week. Losing the tournament, losing Mbakwe. What else can go wrong?!
Donna: We've been through it all, my dear. We'll survive this one too.
Tubby: I know, but I'm just sick about this for Trevor.
Donna: I know dear. They're all like family to you. By the way, you received a letter from the U athletic department today.
Tubby: Huh, what did it say?
Donna: You know I never read your mail!
Tubby: Of course [take a letter opener and removes an embossed letter from Joel Maturi] WHAT?! I can't believe this!!
Donna: What's the matter dear?
Tubby: It says that to maintain our competitiveness in the Big Ten, my court-side seat is subject to premium pricing next year! Unless I pony up, I'll have to move off the floor to the bench.
Donna: Hmm. Perhaps we haven't seen it all...
Will Lionel Hollins adopt Andre? Will Tubby pay to coach from his traditional space on the floor? Will Maturi update his resume & wardrobe? Stay tuned to further episodes of the Bold and the Gopherhole to find out!
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