Another mom speaks

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Moonlight

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I am a mother of two young men in the age group of our team. It can be very hard to be objective about the difficulties your kids are going through. Maybe some will see this as sexist, but a mom's job is to love her kids unconditionally - to let them know there is always someone in their court. I spent quite a few years as a single mom and at times the job of fathering fell to me and I had to learn to toughen up and not coddle, or focus on how the world should see my kids, or see them through my eyes. I had to learn to see them through the eyes the world would see them so I could prepare them. They had a dad and a step dad, and Sir. M helped me see how I was letting them off the hook - which was not doing them any favors.

That said, everyone's situation has some unique characteristics but some things are pretty universal at this age. And one is that a young man in college handles his own problems and takes responsibility for them without his mother stepping in. Joesph's mother made a mistake contacting the press regarding her son and Myron made a mistake in printing it.
 

Moonlight said:
..,Joseph's mother made a mistake contacting the press regarding her son and Myron made a mistake in printing it.
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Why? He kept the things in confidence that he agreed to do so with Mrs. Joseph. The fact that she contacted him is newsworthy in many respects
 

jamalo said:
Why? He kept the things in confidence that he agreed to do so with Mrs. Joseph. The fact that she contacted him is newsworthy in many respects
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That is one way of looking at it.
Another is that he made public an action she never should have taken.
 

I don't disagree with your viewpoint as a mother, but this is a two newspaper market. From a professional standpoint, I can see why he disclosed the contact that was initiated because it was made with him, rather than with his primary competitor. From an ethical standpoint, he did not breach the off the record agreement that he made to her. I suspect that his reporting of her comments would have further supported your viewpoint that she should have never contacted the press.
 

Moonlight said:
I am a mother of two young men in the age group of our team. It can be very hard to be objective about the difficulties your kids are going through. Maybe some will see this as sexist, but a mom's job is to love her kids unconditionally - to let them know there is always someone in their court. I spent quite a few years as a single mom and at times the job of fathering fell to me and I had to learn to toughen up and not coddle, or focus on how the world should see my kids, or see them through my eyes. I had to learn to see them through the eyes the world would see them so I could prepare them. They had a dad and a step dad, and Sir. M helped me see how I was letting them off the hook - which was not doing them any favors.

That said, everyone's situation has some unique characteristics but some things are pretty universal at this age. And one is that a young man in college handles his own problems and takes responsibility for them without his mother stepping in. Joesph's mother made a mistake contacting the press regarding her son and Myron made a mistake in printing it.
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I appreciate your comments, but respectfully disagree. The facts and background of this 'situation' are not known and I'm not sure how Devoe's mom "stepped in" -- the fact that she has an opinion about her son and voices that opinion is motherly in every way. As far as I can tell, Myron just noted that the mom thought it was a crappy situation. It is.

I wonder if you'd bail your boys out of jail, or if they called you'd say, 'sorry, you're old enough, figure it out'?

I have zero bad to say about Devoe's mom or Myron on this one, and in this forum, would only say best wishes to Devoe and I am sorry it didn't work out as well as it might have.
 


jamalo said:
I don't disagree with your viewpoint as a mother, but this is a two newspaper market. From a professional standpoint, I can see why he disclosed the contact that was initiated because it was made with him, rather than with his primary competitor. From an ethical standpoint, he did not breach the off the record agreement that he made to her. I suspect that his reporting of her comments would have further supported your viewpoint that she should have never contacted the press.
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Good points made. Thanks.
 

Gopher Warrior said:
I appreciate your comments, but respectfully disagree. The facts and background of this 'situation' are not known and I'm not sure how Devoe's mom "stepped in" -- the fact that she has an opinion about her son and voices that opinion is motherly in every way. As far as I can tell, Myron just noted that the mom thought it was a crappy situation. It is.

I wonder if you'd bail your boys out of jail, or if they called you'd say, 'sorry, you're old enough, figure it out'?

I have zero bad to say about Devoe's mom or Myron on this one, and in this forum, would only say best wishes to Devoe and I am sorry it didn't work out as well as it might have.
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This is not about helping out your kid. I would say this is opposite of helping out your kid. When I got upset about crappy situations in their lives my kids told me many times not to get involved in their difficulties and that they needed to learn to handle it. And they were right.
 

Moonlight said:
This is not about helping out your kid. I would say this is opposite of helping out your kid. When I got upset about crappy situations in their lives my kids told me many times not to get involved in their difficulties and that they needed to learn to handle it. And they were right.
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I appreciate your personal experiences, but disagree with your thoughts on this particular matter and set of circumstances. Could get further into it, but this isn't the right place for it.
 

I don't really understand why people are so pissed at Devoe's mom. What exactly did she say that was so bad?
 



Mommy's mistake was contacting the press. It didn't help that it was at 3:45 a.m. The reporter was well within his rights to report anything on-the-record and newsworthy.

Moonlight, respectfully, I'm with GW on this one. *Sometimes* a way to be there for your child is to tell them they are acting like an idiot. Unconditional love, yes. Unconditional agreement? No.
 

ML - I agree with you on this one (aside from the part about Myron posting it - he would have been a fool not to - as it was not off the record) - I guess I was a product of tough love. Anytime I had an issue with someone, or wanted to quite, my parents thought I was the problem! And many in many cases, I was - it's called being a kid. It is a parent's job to put things in perspective.

With that being said, I have no idea what the whole story is - but from the outside, it looks like it will be a huge mistake for Devoe to transfer. I have no doubt he'll go to a good school but playing one year, developing chemistry, and trying to stand out will be much more difficult than it would have been for him at the U.
 

Moonlight said:
Joesph's mother made a mistake contacting the press regarding her son and Myron made a mistake in printing it.
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Every parent who involves themselves in their kid's college athletic or academic career has made a mistake. By the time they are college kids, parents become fans.

I can still remember how shocked and then impressed I was when Marion Barber II would not be shown on tv in the bowl game against Alabama when MB3 was breaking his records. He wanted it to be about the kid- many parents don't get this.
 

I happen to agree with Moonlight on parents step to the side when kids are this age. Be there for them, love them, let them know that, but stay out of the decision making process at this point. Loving and supporting the kid, whichever decision is made, is the important thing. He is a big boy. Now, back to Gopher Basketball.

Go Gophers!!!
 



GopherLady said:
ML - I agree with you on this one (aside from the part about Myron posting it - he would have been a fool not to - as it was not off the record) - I guess I was a product of tough love. Anytime I had an issue with someone, or wanted to quite, my parents thought I was the problem! And many in many cases, I was - it's called being a kid. It is a parent's job to put things in perspective.

With that being said, I have no idea what the whole story is - but from the outside, it looks like it will be a huge mistake for Devoe to transfer. I have no doubt he'll go to a good school but playing one year, developing chemistry, and trying to stand out will be much more difficult than it would have been for him at the U.
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Agreed that this is a massive mistake. These situations rarely work out for the player involved. One has to hope that the move was more personally motivated (e.g. Devoe was doing things he shouldn't be doing from a personal standpoint). If it was really basketball motivated, I have a hard time believing that a change is going to work out well.

Devoe was in a position to be a focal point for this team, and in many respects he already was. His performance at the end of last year in the Big Ten tourney proved that he is incredibly talented and could thrive playing for Tubby.

History and facts have proven that the grass doesn't get much greener than playing for someone like Tubby. His methods and approach can be questioned, but not the end results (from my perspective).
 

Mom

After reading this thread I have to say it is interesting that such a high percentage of my favorite GH members piped in on this "Mom" matter.
 

There is no right or wrong way to parent. You make decisions on how you handle your situations and you live with the consequences.

Example: I have never spanked my kids. I know people that do. Is spanking an effective way to modify behavior? I would say yes. But I choose not to. And I don't care about anyone's personal philosophy about this one example, this is the decision I have made with my wife on how we handle our children.
 

another mom

When coaches come into your home trying to sell their program to your child they never tell you everything. So this mom was frustrated and only a mother know how it feels when their child call and is upset or unhappy. Regardless of Devoe's situation there are underlying factors some of us really don't know. There have been players transferring from the U, Travis Busch left and nobody made an issue about that. He could have help the team especially when Al was suspended for his academic issues.
 

Moms should stay away. They're not welcome interfering in team affairs. Nor do they have any business talking to the media. Mrs. Joseph is a party to exactly nothing.
 

Travis Busch left because their wasn't a scholarship open for him. Devoe Joseph left because he likes smokin the reefer and doesn't have the mental toughness to play for Tubby. Different situations.
 

I don't consider this about parenting styles

Unregistered User said:
There is no right or wrong way to parent. You make decisions on how you handle your situations and you live with the consequences.

Example: I have never spanked my kids. I know people that do. Is spanking an effective way to modify behavior? I would say yes. But I choose not to. And I don't care about anyone's personal philosophy about this one example, this is the decision I have made with my wife on how we handle our children.
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I agree with you, esp. when it comes to younger kids and variations in what different kids need according to their temperament.
But by this age, the role of parent has moved off center stage, to a supportive role, a sounding board, and encouragement to problem solve to handle the hand life has dealt. And to take responsibility for one's choices.
 

I'm not saying it isn't hard

mninny said:
When coaches come into your home trying to sell their program to your child they never tell you everything. So this mom was frustrated and only a mother know how it feels when their child call and is upset or unhappy. Regardless of Devoe's situation there are underlying factors some of us really don't know. There have been players transferring from the U, Travis Busch left and nobody made an issue about that. He could have help the team especially when Al was suspended for his academic issues.
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Nothing is worse than seeing a situation that seems unfair to your child. It breaks your heart - but suffering a broken heart for the maturation of your child is what is required. And it is essential when they become adults, however precarious that status may be at this age.

My son had a horrible 4th grade teacher. She called me almost weekly to complain about his behavior but resisted problem solving with me. Fairly - he was a handful. Fairly - she was irrational. I told my son that I agreed he had many valid complaints but that Mrs. N was not going to be the biggest problem in his long life and he needed to figure out how to handle this. That I was there for him. Since he was just 10, I did talk to the guidance counselor and negotiated for a fabulous teacher for 5th grade - which was a groundbreaking year for him. Made possible for figuring out how to suffer through Mrs. N.
Now maybe Tubby is a clone of Mrs. N - but he was a choice this young man made. No one gets full disclosure of all the details of any decision we make. We all like to believe our children are special and it is a particular challenge when they are told that they are over and over. A parent needs to help their young adult child (who lack a fully developed neocortex READ: judgment deficit, right, Jammer?) keep perspective and take responsibility for their choices even when they go south. Not try to explain to the world why life hasn't been fair to them. What does this teach them? It supports the notion that they are victims, in need of rescuing and defending, rather than empowering them to be the prime mover in their own life choices.
 

With all due respect, offering suggestions and/or examples of what has worked for you is fine.

Telling me, or anyone else, what I 'need to do' as a parent is out of line.
 

Going to the media because your 20 year old son's feelings are hurt because the coach yells too much is also out of line.
 

USAFChief said:
With all due respect, offering suggestions and/or examples of what has worked for you is fine.

Telling me, or anyone else, what I 'need to do' as a parent is out of line.
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Well, we all deal with the consequences of the inability of young men to take responsibility for their own behavior.
And with all due respect, I'm surprised that a military man (I presume, as you have redressed people here for their apparent lack of respect for your rank) would support a parent stepping in with the media at this point in her adult son's life. Because here in our household, it is the few and the proud, and it has raised good, responsible young men.
Coddling young men is a problem in our country. Women have taken over as the ones accepted at and excelling in most post-graduate programs. Top undergrad programs will have to weigh their gender balance policies as this is what get many boys accepted. This will be challenged much as affirmative action has been.
As my dear jarhead has been known to say, "Men mature late, if at all.".
 


Moonlight said:
Well, we all deal with the consequences of the inability of young men to take responsibility for their own behavior.
And with all due respect, I'm surprised that a military man (I presume, as you have redressed people here for their apparent lack of respect for your rank) would support a parent stepping in with the media at this point in her adult son's life. Because here in our household, it is the few and the proud, and it has raised good, responsible young men.
Coddling young men is a problem in our country. Women have taken over as the ones accepted at and excelling in most post-graduate programs. Top undergrad programs will have to weigh their gender balance policies as this is what get many boys accepted. This will be challenged much as affirmative action has been.
As my dear jarhead has been known to say, "Men mature late, if at all.".
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I said nothing about Joseph, nor his mother. I was talking about you, and your need to tell me what I 'need to do' as a parent.
 

USAFChief said:
I said nothing about Joseph, nor his mother. I was talking about you, and your need to tell me what I 'need to do' as a parent.
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Interesting interpretation. Feel free to put me on your ignore list then, or simply tell yourself, "Moonlight isn't really talking to me. This is a message board where people are expressing opinions"
Have a good day!
 


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