We all know that the Golden Gophers are awesome. You, however, are the most incredible fan in the university’s history. When people try to argue that they’re bigger fans than you, you casually trot out these nine points. So far, every person has dropped to their knees in reverence.
So Many Season Tickets
You have season tickets to every field, stadium, and arena used by the University of Minnesota. You not only have tickets to TCF Bank Stadium for football games and Williams Arena for basketball, but you also have season tickets to:
- Siebert Field
- Mariucci Arena
- Ridder Arena
- Elizabeth Lyle Robbie Stadium
And you’ve never missed a game.
You Yell in Iowa’s Direction
When you get really, really mad, you always make sure you yell in Iowa’s direction. What’s the point in wasting all of that anger? Take that, Hawkeyes!
You Watch Sports…Constantly
If there’s a game on TV, you find a way to sit in front of that TV. On the rare occasions when you can’t find a TV, you use your smartphone. In fact, you spent at least three hours comparing smartphones to ensure the best sports experience. Just make sure you’re using a reliable 4g network; you don’t want to miss that winning field goal because of bad cell service.
You Own a Pet Gopher
Everyone told you it was a bad idea, but you still went out and found a pet gopher. It has destroyed your floor. Your yard is now one giant sink hole.
Still, that gopher is totally worth it.
Awesome Tattoo!
You thought getting an M tattoo was too obvious. You solved that problem by getting the outline of Minnesota permanently etched into your skin.
Yes, it hurt. Yes, you get looks. Again, totally worth it.
You Choose Interesting Names for Your Children
Years ago, you made a long list of names for your future children. Currently, you have kids named:
- Hubert H. Humphrey
- Lindsay Whalen
- Murray Warmath
You secretly want to have another boy so you can name him Jerry Kill.
Your Home Decor
Every room in your house is painted maroon and gold. You even had maroon and gold vinyl siding installed. Your neighbors keep telling you that your home looks like a weird circus tent, but you know those haters are just jealous.
Trivia Contests Are Your Main Source of Income
Winning trivia contests is easy for you because, as far as you’re concerned, nothing about the Golden Gophers is trivial. It’s all equally important.
What’s the gopher’s name? Easy. His name is Goldy.
How many games did the Golden Gophers football team play in 1882? It was their first year and they only had time to play two games, both of which were against Hamlin University. Bonus point: The Gophers won one game. Hamlin won the other.
You’ve gotten so good at recalling information that you may quit your job and become a full-time contestant. The amount of cash that you won last year dwarfed the salary you brought home from your day job.
You’re Building a Time Machine
You’ve watched over 10,000 sporting events. That would satiate any normal person, but you are a diehard Golden Gopher fanatic! Thinking about all of those games from before you were born makes you feel sick to your stomach.
You’ve raided the library for archival footage, but it’s not like they can provide videos from events that took place before the invention of motion photography.
There’s only one solution. You have to build a time machine so you can go back and watch every single sporting event in the school’s history. So far, you’ve earned graduate degrees in physics and electrical engineering. You’ve even built a prototype that seems to work pretty well as long as you don’t try to send anything more than five seconds into the past.
Obviously, you’re using badgers as your test subjects. You can’t even imagine putting a gopher’s life at risk.
It seems nearly impossible that anyone is more dedicated to the Golden Gophers than you. Don’t bother wondering whether this has had negative effects on your mental and physical health. Just rest easy in the knowledge of your superiority.