Unit Grades – Gophers vs. Florida Atlantic

Every night this week, I’ve sat down in front of the keyboard to try and compose some coherent thoughts about the Gophers’ matchup with Florida Atlantic. Every time, I’ve failed. I’m not complaining, I just can’t think of anything to write. I’m constantly confronted with the fact that there is not much you can say about a Big Ten team playing a team that barely belongs in Division I-A.

I can read statistics at you, but there’s no value in that for anyone. It’s Thursday night. You’ve certainly read and forgotten all of the relevant statistics by now. And what meaning, anyway, do statistics have in a game like this? Is there any stat-line that I could read you that wouldn’t sound plausible, or indeed expected, in a game against FAU?

Let’s try this out: “Laurence Maroney rushed for just over 700 yards on 21 carries as the Gophers beat Florida Atlantic 46-7.” That doesn’t even cause a tremor. If I had read that in the paper on Sunday morning, I would have skipped right over it and only later thought, “You know, that’s kind of a lot of yards.” It’s the same with the final score – no score could shock me unless the Gophers scored more than 70 or FAU scored negative points. 69-0 wouldn’t barely have registered on my radar. 78-0 or 48-minus 5 would have done it, but just by a little.

Put another way: when every article about the game has to explain that yes, Florida Atlantic is a legitimate opponent, and yes, they play in a conference you might have heard of, and no, this wasn’t a long-planned game but rather a last-minute replacement for a team that wussed out of a trip to the Dome… what are we supposed to take away from a game like this?

Tulsa and Colorado State, while admittedly not traditional powers or attractive non-conference opponents, are at least mildly respectable teams that provide some kind of test to the boys in maroon and gold. Florida Atlantic qualifies as nothing but a schedule-filler, a sacrificial lamb offered up to the altar of having six home games. My apologies to any Owls fans that might happen to be reading this, but let’s recap how FAU started the game:

1. Kicked the opening kickoff out of bounds.
2. Gave up four-play touchdown drive that took a little under two minutes.
3. Kick returner tackled by seventeen-yard line. Not *at* the seventeen-yard line; *by* the seventeen-yard line. As in, “Looks like the turf monster reached up and grabbed him.”
4. Opening, three-and-out drive that included two broken plays and two dropped passes.
5. Gave up five-play touchdown drive that this time took almost three minutes to complete.

That’s right – the game had barely started and FAU had two special teams miscues, two screwed-up offensive plays, a punt, and they were already down 13-0.

To say that the attention of Gopher nation wandered at that point would be putting it mildly. If the rest of you were like me, you resorted to making fun of Howard Schnellenberger. (There was much discussion among those around me – who does Howard Schnellenberger look the most like? There were votes for Colonel Sanders, the crazy Texan from the Simpsons, and Chisholm’s own Moonlight Graham. However, the clear winner was easy to spot: Howard Schnellenberger looks like Captain Kangroo. )

Anyway, I’ve been trying to think of a decent grades-related metaphor to use for this game. Calling it a “pre-test” is one way of putting it, but if you remember your school days, generally pre-tests don’t count for your final grade. Say what you want about this game (and I’ve already said plenty), but had the Gophers somehow blown it, it would have ruined not only this season but probably next season and the year after as well.

What I’m looking for is a metaphor that involves an academic test that meets all of the following criteria:

1. Simple. Probably qualifies as pass/fail. Easy to do.
2. Flunking it would be ten times more awful than passing it would be good.
3. If approached the wrong way, could be disastrous.

With all of this in mind, I’m reminded of the urban legend of the Duke students and their chemistry final”¦

Legend has it that these students had done well enough in their introductory chemistry class that they didn’t feel the need to study much for the final. After all, they had aced the class so far. So, the weekend before their Monday morning final, they headed up to the University of Virginia to party with friends. Of course, all of the partying led to them oversleeping and arriving too late for their final on Monday. Knowing that this would cause them to fail the course, they devised a plan – they would tell the professor that they went up to UVA for the weekend and had a flat tire on the way back.

The professor agreed to let them take the final the next day, so after a bit of studying and a bit of self-congratulation they confidently arrived at the test. The professor placed them in separate rooms and handed them all a test booklet. The first page was a simple problem that was marked as being worth five points. “Good,” they thought, “this is going to be easy.” They finished the problem but were unprepared for the second page of the test:

(95 points) Which tire?

———-

With all that being said, there’s no way I can assign meaningful grades for a game like this. The Gophers didn’t fail to score points on a drive until the second half. FAU made it past midfield three times in the game. The first-half yardage total read Minnesota 432, FAU 91. It was domination, if not from start to finish, at least from start until Minnesota decided they’d better not waste anybody on what amounted to a preseason scrimmage against the Owls.

So what can we take away from a game like this? A few points I’d like to make, followed by some quick grades for the various units:

• If I had been fully grading this game, I would have made up a grade lower than F for Jason Giannini. A week after missing three extra points against Colorado State, he missed two more against Florida Atlantic. The Gophers would at this point be better off going for two every time they score a touchdown. Mark my words – if Giannini doesn’t improve, and soon, he’s going to cost the Gophers at least one game this season.
• Why must Bryan Cupito taunt us with throws like the perfect deep ball he connected with Jared Ellerson on? It’d be one thing if he was consistently bad, but it’s almost more frustrating to see him toss a 56-yard touchdown and then come back and short-hop a five-yard hook.
• The Gophers scored so fast that they rushed the ball 48 times, won 46-7, and still lost the possession time statistic.
• The defense looked pretty good at times in the first half. Then again, it’s impossible to judge the defense based on a team that at times looked to be drawing up plays in the huddle.
• It would have been nicer to have FAU in week one, when the Gophers could have used them as a true preseason game, rather than having them as what amounts to a scrimmage the week before a real game.

Quick “˜n Dirty Unit Grades (unabashedly based on one half of play, since the second half didn’t matter to anyone at all):

Run Offense: A -Dominated up front. Offensive line looked bored at times, they were having such an easy day.
Pass Offense: B -Still plenty of room for improvement here. Either that, or my frustration has simply grown to the point that I will be satisfied at nothing. Your call.
Run Defense: A -Might as well just read off some stats here: 39 carries, 92 yards, 2.4 yards per carry.
Pass Defense: A- -I saw John Pawielski just barely miss deflecting a ball that ended up going for a forty-yard gain. That’s the only reason for the minus. Otherwise FAU was 13-for-30 for 154 yards, which qualifies as “œputrid.”
Special Teams: D- -Jason Giannini drags the whole rest of the class down here.

Overall Grade for Minnesota vs. Florida Atlantic, September 17: A They won 46-7 and were up 40-0 at halftime. And nobody’s season was ended by an injury. What more could we ask for? Besides a win over Purdue for once, that is”¦