For many individuals, especially those that host relatives, Thanksgiving can actually be a very hectic time of the year. You just received information that will add to the chaotic times. Your lovely wife informs you that more of her relatives will be spending not only Thanksgiving day, but the entire holiday weekend at your household. Your gal, much to your chagrin, then shares the proverbial gut-punch. Her older brother, Barry, will be among the individuals celebrating Thanksgiving festivities in your humble abode. Barry, a native Wisconsinite, is the epitome of a stereotypical resident of our neighbors to the east: A beer-guzzling, cheese-curd munching individual with a rather brash, egotistical persona. The kind of person that resembles former Wisconsin coach Bret Bielema. Barry, a UW-Madison alum, will be joining your immediate family in attending the Nov. 28 contest between his Badgers and your alma mater Gophers at TCF Bank Stadium.
Fast-forward to Thursday evening. Your house is alive with conversation over a scrumptious Thanksgiving meal. Speaking over all of the chatter is your brother-in-law, giving you an earful. Already on his seventh Pabst Blue Ribbon tallboy, Barry can’t stop needling you about what a beat-down his Packers gave your Vikings last Sunday. For the third time today, he boasted that he is a minority owner of the historic Green Bay franchise (you want to mention that the miniscule ownership stake in the franchise is essentially a glorified piece of paper, but he won’t let you get a word in). Three servings of green bean casserole later, Barry shifts the one-sided sports conversation to the collegiate level. At once, he begins his Badger-related rant.
First, he brags that your Gophers have no chance of victory on Saturday despite having a home-field advantage. He tells you that Wisconsin has won the past eleven Border-Battle matchups (as if you needed a reminder). Barry insists that the Gopher offense will not be able to move the ball against the Badger’s defensive unit. His Badgers are allowing just 266.3 yards per game, good for second in the Big Ten. He also comments on how Wisconsin ranks second in the conference against the pass (164.3) and against the run (102). Wisconsin senior linebacker Joe Schobert, Barry adds, will wreak havoc on Mitch Leidner and Co. in the backfield. Schobert ranks third in the Big Ten in sacks (9.5). Knowing that Minnesota’s offense has certainly shown signs of improvement in recent weeks, you would love to offer a counterpoint to his argument.
But Barry, visibly encouraged by his PBR consumption, gives you no time to speak. He shifts to discussing the Badger offense. Senior quarterback Joel Stave is far-and-away better than Leidner, Barry states. He conveniently excludes that Stave has thrown as many interceptions (10) this season as he has touchdowns. According to Barry, senior receiver Alex Erickson is among the Big Ten’s elite. Erickson has notched 858 receiving yards and three touchdowns this season. Your brother-in-law was about to go off on another tangent, starting specifically with the fact that Wisconsin’s offense ranks third in the conference in passing plays over 10 yards (123). Instead, your wife’s homemade pumpkin pie called his name. Barry excuses himself to continue devouring the Thanksgiving spread.
With half of his mouth still storing pie, Barry finally asks you a question: “Have you been to Madison at all recently?” You reply that you haven’t. With a grin, he takes you through his glory days of frolicking around the State Street bars with his fraternity brothers. He then rambles about what an elite academic institution UW-Madison is. Based on what you are hearing, Madison is the “Harvard” of the Midwest! You comment on the fact that Minneapolis, on top of offering a well-respected education, actually offers legitimate post-undergraduate job opportunities within the city, but again Barry and his superiority complex will have none of it.
You noticed how Barry expediently failed to mention Wisconsin’s cupcake-caliber schedule earlier in the conversation. Despite a season-opening loss against Alabama, his Badgers earned victories over programs such as Hawaii, Troy, Miami of Ohio, Rutgers and Maryland. Yeesh.
After eating the remnants of your wife’s pie, you decide to do your best to enjoy the remainder of the evening. You are undoubtedly blessed and tremendously thankful for your friends and family, even if they happen to be Badger fans. You are also thankful for the fact that your Gophers will have an opportunity to finally return Paul Bunyan’s Axe to the location in which it rightfully belongs: Dinkytown. Then maybe, just maybe, Barry will halt his rant.