TexasAggie11
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This here is our favorite Christmas carol down in Aggieland:
- - - - - - - - - - -
Got a little story for you, Gophers.
It was a few days after Christmas, and the Tards were all sitting around Lubbock, fat off of their turkey dinner (well, Wild Turkey dinner), and rather sluggish from their traditional holiday activity of picking the fleas off of each other. So, as they lay sprawled across their couches (outside, on the front porch, of course), picking sand and Skoal Straight from their teeth, one of them got an idea - or at least as much of an idea as a Tech Tard has ever gotten before.
"Hey, y'all," said Cleetus, the Tard Ph.D., "I'm plain tarred of wrappin' that thur harse in turlet paper." (Referring, of course, to the Tard tradition of covering the statue of Will Rogers in Charmin every so often.) "I dun had to use my hand tah wipe my butt for a whole dang week until my paycheck from Domino's dun come in so's I could by sa more paper. I dun already used my Tech dee-ploma to wipe last time we rolled that harse."
"So," he continued, ever so eloquently,"I's proposin' that we load up in the pickup-truck and hedd over to Prairie Dog Town and shoot us some varmins." (The Tard was speaking of the habitat inside of Lubbock's Mackenzie Park that is the city's top tourist attraction and home to thousands of furry little creatures.) "We's gonna hunt us sum Gopher!"
And so, it came that they piled themselves into a rust-colored 1994 Ford Power Stroke dually after attempting to determine who was the least intoxicated by taking turns counting to ten - a pursuit they quickly gave up once they realized none of their party possessed the math skill to sufficiently judge the contest.
Upon arrival, after a long detour to the Strip to pick up some Keystones and a run over to the Boom Boom Cabaret to say hello to mama, the Tards bewilderingly stumbled out of the cab and bed of the truck. Ol' Doctor Cleetus took about 15 minutes to read the sign out front for the rest of his crew: $500 FINE FOR MOLESTING PRAIRIE DOGS.
"Well, durn," one of the Tards said. "I ain't even make that much in a year, and buhsides, my granpappy and I can go into the chicken coop over at his trailer and do all our molestin' for free!" At this time, about half the Tards became severely disgruntled and made talk of finding a nearby coop, while the other half reminded them they were there to hunt.
Meanwhile, up in Minneapolis, Goldy the Gopher was lounging in Coffman, surrounded by Minnesota's finest young coeds. Possessing superior skill in hearing, sight, and agility, like all gophers do, he heard the commotion happening down in Lubbock. Upset over the safety of the lives - and cornholes - of his little friends, Goldy called up his old buddy Marion Barber. Goldy hopped on Barber's back and together they swiftly ran down to Texas.
About 1,851 seconds later, they arrived to Prairie Dog town to face off against the hoarde of Tards. On the way down, Goldy had also called a few other friends: Adam Weber, Eric Decker, Ben Hamilton, Willie VanDerSteeg, Matt Spaeth, and Asad Abdul-Khaliq. This crew of Gophers stood tall on the flat Lubbock plains despite the burning sensation in their eyes and the retching feeling in their stomachs from the wind and smell, respectively.
"Them's shore is sum big-ass Gophers," remarked Kliff, one of the more dimwitted of the group, "I betcha we cud take 'em all." The others mumbled prayers to god - Mike Leach, that is - for a victorious hunt and a temporary relief from the itching of their herpes sores.
Just then, Goldy pulled out Bruce Smith's Heisman Trophy and flashed it before the Tards. To them, it was like the scene from Indiana Jones when the Ark of the Covenant is opened - a vibrant light far too bright to look at. "Wut tha heck is that?," said Seth the Tard, "We ain't nuvah seen any lump of metal that big before. It must be what them Aggies meant when they's been talking about trophies."
Well, Cleetus, being the wise Tard that he is, rushed back to campus, aided by the velocity of the wind, and in an instant returned with Texas Tech's women's basketball national championship trophy from 1993. This combative action immediately took three Gophers out of commission due to fits of laughter. However, during this time, at least three Tards succumbed to their long battles with syphilis, and another five left after one received a naughty text message from his sister (they wanted to join in the fun).
At this point, the battle still wasn't quite fair, as the handful of Gophers faced a veritable mob of Tards. Goldy knew his crew easily outmatched the dimwitted moron crowd. He was not about to engage this filthy bunch in such a barbaric manner (spilling that much Tard blood could start a pandemic), so he suggested a gentleman's arrangement. "How about we settle this through a game of chess?" Goldy asked.
Unfortunately, Tech's entire chess team had high-tailed it for another school, and not one Tard could be found who understood how to play the game. The Tards rebutted with a contest in Go Fish.
Goldy agreed. The cards were dealt, and the Gophers were up first. "Got any brains," Goldy asked?
As the Tards were searching diligently for any scrap of intelligence among their crew, Goldy looked up to the horizon and saw another dust storm sweeping in. He motioned to the other Gophers to seek shelter in the only structure in Lubbock which is not made from a converted double-wide: the Texas A&M AgriLife Research and Extension Center.
After the dust settled, Goldy and crew poked their heads outside to survey the damage. The entire city of Lubbock had been destroyed, and there was no trace of any of the Tech Tards. They then realized that this was not, in fact, an ordinary dust storm, but rather the dust had been kicked up by the 2012 Gopher Football team on their march through the Tech campus on the way to Houston. The Golden Gophers had soundly defeated their foe. The only problem was, who would deliver the pizzas to their celebration party???
And, that's exactly what you're gonna do to them, Gophers.
Beat the ever-livin', ever-lovin', compound, complex, SKI-U-MAH, Golden Gopher HELL out of Texas Tech!
- - - - - - - - - - -
Got a little story for you, Gophers.
It was a few days after Christmas, and the Tards were all sitting around Lubbock, fat off of their turkey dinner (well, Wild Turkey dinner), and rather sluggish from their traditional holiday activity of picking the fleas off of each other. So, as they lay sprawled across their couches (outside, on the front porch, of course), picking sand and Skoal Straight from their teeth, one of them got an idea - or at least as much of an idea as a Tech Tard has ever gotten before.
"Hey, y'all," said Cleetus, the Tard Ph.D., "I'm plain tarred of wrappin' that thur harse in turlet paper." (Referring, of course, to the Tard tradition of covering the statue of Will Rogers in Charmin every so often.) "I dun had to use my hand tah wipe my butt for a whole dang week until my paycheck from Domino's dun come in so's I could by sa more paper. I dun already used my Tech dee-ploma to wipe last time we rolled that harse."
"So," he continued, ever so eloquently,"I's proposin' that we load up in the pickup-truck and hedd over to Prairie Dog Town and shoot us some varmins." (The Tard was speaking of the habitat inside of Lubbock's Mackenzie Park that is the city's top tourist attraction and home to thousands of furry little creatures.) "We's gonna hunt us sum Gopher!"
And so, it came that they piled themselves into a rust-colored 1994 Ford Power Stroke dually after attempting to determine who was the least intoxicated by taking turns counting to ten - a pursuit they quickly gave up once they realized none of their party possessed the math skill to sufficiently judge the contest.
Upon arrival, after a long detour to the Strip to pick up some Keystones and a run over to the Boom Boom Cabaret to say hello to mama, the Tards bewilderingly stumbled out of the cab and bed of the truck. Ol' Doctor Cleetus took about 15 minutes to read the sign out front for the rest of his crew: $500 FINE FOR MOLESTING PRAIRIE DOGS.
"Well, durn," one of the Tards said. "I ain't even make that much in a year, and buhsides, my granpappy and I can go into the chicken coop over at his trailer and do all our molestin' for free!" At this time, about half the Tards became severely disgruntled and made talk of finding a nearby coop, while the other half reminded them they were there to hunt.
Meanwhile, up in Minneapolis, Goldy the Gopher was lounging in Coffman, surrounded by Minnesota's finest young coeds. Possessing superior skill in hearing, sight, and agility, like all gophers do, he heard the commotion happening down in Lubbock. Upset over the safety of the lives - and cornholes - of his little friends, Goldy called up his old buddy Marion Barber. Goldy hopped on Barber's back and together they swiftly ran down to Texas.
About 1,851 seconds later, they arrived to Prairie Dog town to face off against the hoarde of Tards. On the way down, Goldy had also called a few other friends: Adam Weber, Eric Decker, Ben Hamilton, Willie VanDerSteeg, Matt Spaeth, and Asad Abdul-Khaliq. This crew of Gophers stood tall on the flat Lubbock plains despite the burning sensation in their eyes and the retching feeling in their stomachs from the wind and smell, respectively.
"Them's shore is sum big-ass Gophers," remarked Kliff, one of the more dimwitted of the group, "I betcha we cud take 'em all." The others mumbled prayers to god - Mike Leach, that is - for a victorious hunt and a temporary relief from the itching of their herpes sores.
Just then, Goldy pulled out Bruce Smith's Heisman Trophy and flashed it before the Tards. To them, it was like the scene from Indiana Jones when the Ark of the Covenant is opened - a vibrant light far too bright to look at. "Wut tha heck is that?," said Seth the Tard, "We ain't nuvah seen any lump of metal that big before. It must be what them Aggies meant when they's been talking about trophies."
Well, Cleetus, being the wise Tard that he is, rushed back to campus, aided by the velocity of the wind, and in an instant returned with Texas Tech's women's basketball national championship trophy from 1993. This combative action immediately took three Gophers out of commission due to fits of laughter. However, during this time, at least three Tards succumbed to their long battles with syphilis, and another five left after one received a naughty text message from his sister (they wanted to join in the fun).
At this point, the battle still wasn't quite fair, as the handful of Gophers faced a veritable mob of Tards. Goldy knew his crew easily outmatched the dimwitted moron crowd. He was not about to engage this filthy bunch in such a barbaric manner (spilling that much Tard blood could start a pandemic), so he suggested a gentleman's arrangement. "How about we settle this through a game of chess?" Goldy asked.
Unfortunately, Tech's entire chess team had high-tailed it for another school, and not one Tard could be found who understood how to play the game. The Tards rebutted with a contest in Go Fish.
Goldy agreed. The cards were dealt, and the Gophers were up first. "Got any brains," Goldy asked?
As the Tards were searching diligently for any scrap of intelligence among their crew, Goldy looked up to the horizon and saw another dust storm sweeping in. He motioned to the other Gophers to seek shelter in the only structure in Lubbock which is not made from a converted double-wide: the Texas A&M AgriLife Research and Extension Center.
After the dust settled, Goldy and crew poked their heads outside to survey the damage. The entire city of Lubbock had been destroyed, and there was no trace of any of the Tech Tards. They then realized that this was not, in fact, an ordinary dust storm, but rather the dust had been kicked up by the 2012 Gopher Football team on their march through the Tech campus on the way to Houston. The Golden Gophers had soundly defeated their foe. The only problem was, who would deliver the pizzas to their celebration party???
And, that's exactly what you're gonna do to them, Gophers.
Beat the ever-livin', ever-lovin', compound, complex, SKI-U-MAH, Golden Gopher HELL out of Texas Tech!
.
