DetlefWithTheEssenHaus
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It is I, Detlef of the Essen Haus, who has found his way to this little corner of Gopher geekdom to bring forth my family's annual decree. For those of you who do not recall my lore with regards to the longest consecutive rivalry in Divison 1 football here is a refresher:
http://thehole84398.yuku.com/topic/8423/t/I-am-back-to-bode-doom-and-gloom-to-all-Gopher-fans.html
To bring those of you donning maroon-and-gold colored glasses up to speed neither the Essen Haus nor the Erlichmann family have yet to receive our treasured family heirloom, the 5 liter stein which was quaffed by a known Gopher fan that loathesome night in November, 2006. Truly a day that will live in infamy for generations to come within the Erlichmann clan. But let me brush aside my tears for a second on the memory of the missing stein because I am about to announce some news that will be a punch to the taint of the puny Gopher Nation: My grandmother still is alive!
To those of you golden gerbil loving fans smart enough to believe in my grandmother's spell you know the future of the 2009 season will only bring pain and suffering if the aforementioned stein is not back in my family's loving arms by 1100 CST this coming Saturday.
So GopherHole readers, I implore you to denounce one of your own and play Judas. We now know the cyber individual responsible for this shameless act of thievery. His nom de plume: Gutter Helmet. I have tried to reach out to this larcenous character ever since our virtous leader, Brett Bielema, lead the Great Red Army back from behind to defeat your sorry 13 lined-squirrels last November in Madison (which was rated the #1 college town in the country, BTW). Despite repeated attempts of amicability Gutter Helmet refused to return the stein. My grandmother's fury escalated and she ratched up the intensity of her spell of doom and gloom upon the Gopher Nation and look what happened - 5 consecutive losses to end the season including an embarassing loss to your other superior rivals, the Iowa Hawkeyes.
My most recent attempt to make Gutter Helmet return the valued stein occured this past weekend. He flatly refused to return the invaluable artifact. Incensed at this cowards lack of compassion towards humanity my beloved grandmother delved deep into her Bavarian Book of Magic Spells and came up with some trickeration. What was the result? Two suspended players -which includes a starting defensive player who will not suit up this Saturday when the Badgers and 15,000 of their followers christen that lean-to you call a stadium.
So I lay any impending guilt upon you, the Gopher football fan and reader of the GopherHole, if the stein in returned to the hallowed halls of the Essen Haus . Bring any damnation not upon the benevolent Badger brood but upon Gutter Helmet himself. He is the enemy of your program. Not the programs that tote around an Axe or a Pig after their annual wins at the expense of Minnesota Gopher football.
If you need photographic proof of this travesty I present it to you. This is the man is bringing down your program. Until the stein is returned no Gopher football fan shall ever see the endzones of the Rose Bowl painted your programs pathetic shade of maroon and gold.
http://thehole84398.yuku.com/topic/8423/t/I-am-back-to-bode-doom-and-gloom-to-all-Gopher-fans.html
To bring those of you donning maroon-and-gold colored glasses up to speed neither the Essen Haus nor the Erlichmann family have yet to receive our treasured family heirloom, the 5 liter stein which was quaffed by a known Gopher fan that loathesome night in November, 2006. Truly a day that will live in infamy for generations to come within the Erlichmann clan. But let me brush aside my tears for a second on the memory of the missing stein because I am about to announce some news that will be a punch to the taint of the puny Gopher Nation: My grandmother still is alive!
To those of you golden gerbil loving fans smart enough to believe in my grandmother's spell you know the future of the 2009 season will only bring pain and suffering if the aforementioned stein is not back in my family's loving arms by 1100 CST this coming Saturday.
So GopherHole readers, I implore you to denounce one of your own and play Judas. We now know the cyber individual responsible for this shameless act of thievery. His nom de plume: Gutter Helmet. I have tried to reach out to this larcenous character ever since our virtous leader, Brett Bielema, lead the Great Red Army back from behind to defeat your sorry 13 lined-squirrels last November in Madison (which was rated the #1 college town in the country, BTW). Despite repeated attempts of amicability Gutter Helmet refused to return the stein. My grandmother's fury escalated and she ratched up the intensity of her spell of doom and gloom upon the Gopher Nation and look what happened - 5 consecutive losses to end the season including an embarassing loss to your other superior rivals, the Iowa Hawkeyes.
My most recent attempt to make Gutter Helmet return the valued stein occured this past weekend. He flatly refused to return the invaluable artifact. Incensed at this cowards lack of compassion towards humanity my beloved grandmother delved deep into her Bavarian Book of Magic Spells and came up with some trickeration. What was the result? Two suspended players -which includes a starting defensive player who will not suit up this Saturday when the Badgers and 15,000 of their followers christen that lean-to you call a stadium.
So I lay any impending guilt upon you, the Gopher football fan and reader of the GopherHole, if the stein in returned to the hallowed halls of the Essen Haus . Bring any damnation not upon the benevolent Badger brood but upon Gutter Helmet himself. He is the enemy of your program. Not the programs that tote around an Axe or a Pig after their annual wins at the expense of Minnesota Gopher football.
If you need photographic proof of this travesty I present it to you. This is the man is bringing down your program. Until the stein is returned no Gopher football fan shall ever see the endzones of the Rose Bowl painted your programs pathetic shade of maroon and gold.